Forever Young

So, I’ve spent most of my adult life thinking I am crazy. Not psycho, just a little crazy. This involves a myriad of feelings.

None of those existential feelings, like what is my purpose on this planet? No – more like, why I don’t fit in? Why do people think I’m rude? Why don’t I express emotions? Why do I feel so disconnected to others? Why can’t I fall in love? Why was I such a nut job of a mother? Why am I so content being alone? Most times, I don’t have anything interesting to say, or if I do, it is usually some useless trivia that I find fascinating, (as the listener’s eyes glaze over). I never, and still don’t, feel ‘grown up’… things along those lines.

Turns out, there is a reason for those thoughts and behaviours. Between my counseling, taking a variety of tests and seeking input from my family, the conclusion became obvious…I am an Aspergian. An Aspie. One who has Asperger’s.

Asperger’s, in much of the readings I have come across, is described as high functioning autism. Many with Asperger’s are often intelligent, focused, and may show exceptional verbal skills. “Adults with AS may have typical to strong verbal but have below-average nonverbal skills. Adults with AS may not pick up on nonverbal cues from others, such as hand gestures, facial expressions, or body language.” Healthline.com 2019. They also tend to think differently, PsychologyToday.com states, “Apparently, people with more autistic traits, when asked to name as many uses as they can for a common object such as a paper clip, come up with fewer suggestions, but the suggestions they offer are more unusual than those of their neurotypical counterparts. They exhibit more “divergent thinking.” For me, if someone explains a process I don’t understand, I create an analogy, and tell it back in my own words, (which often baffles some), then I get it. I do it all the time.

Autism wasn’t something discussed when I was a child, (especially in my family), so it went undiagnosed. Instead, I was ADHD, and, as I got older, bipolar and suffering from depression. I’d been prescribed various antidepressants, which did little, and, sometimes made things worse. It should be noted that, ADHD and bipolar are not uncommon for one with Asperger’s.

The thing is, I am ok with it. It validates my thoughts and feelings. And, I cannot express how good that feels. My dad said there’s nothing ‘wrong’ (as I described to him) with me, I’m just kind of ‘special’. Even that makes me feel better. It just explains so much. My youngest son oftens comments that I am rude when ordering in a restaurant, but, I see myself as being polite. Oddly enough, the question, “Some people say I am being rude, even though I think I am being polite” is asked in autism assessments…how funny is that!?

I want to share this with my kids so they understand that, my behaviour isn’t something I have total control of. I want them to know, that because it was never identified, or handled appropriately, I have spent a lifetime, unwittingly, creating coping mechanisms to deal with my mental state, some of which have been very self destructive, (the rate of suicide is three times higher among people with autism). My whole life I’ve listened to my parents, family and friends, tell me what not to say, as my mom has said, “as matter of fact, just don’t say anything”. I feel my kids, though I know they love me, are sometimes embarrassed by things I say or do. The thing is, I have so much to say – it just doesn’t always come out in a manner considered socially acceptable.

These days, those that know me well, accept me for who I am. I am kind, witty, and sometimes goofy, but no one discourages me from speaking. Of course, they may be nervous wondering what I might say, but, they know I mean no malintent.

There’s something to be said about being oneself, and that is a great gift…I am myself. It’s ok to be me. If asked what kind of person I am, friends would call me quirky, my kids call me Dory. In my mind, quirky and Dory, are good. I love that. I am good. I may be different, but I am good. Though I lack the skill to fully reciprocate emotionally, I know I am loved. That makes me happy. I am, and always have been, mentally/socially younger than my peers, and never understood why. Now I know. I will be forever young.