Lately, I’ve found myself thinking in the negative…or at least how I feel about it. I apologized to a friend who pointed out, that I’m not thinking negatively, I’m thinking realistically. I do have a tendency to express the obvious.

Thinking about the human species, I get frustrated. I just don’t understand the greed, conflict, and hate – do they all realize that none of that matters in living a contented life??? Why do humans, (ok, most humans), feel so entitled? This really hits me when I see all the animals trying to struggle to get by, working around the humans. Many humans do not care about other species on this planet…I find this is counterintuitive to life in general.

Maybe that’s it, they don’t want a contented life. Or, they just want to make others miserable so they can feel better about themselves. Maybe they weren’t hugged enough as a kid…maybe hugged too much! I don’t know. I just know I don’t understand. What is the end goal?

I do meet those who are constantly blaming someone else for their circumstances. Of course, there may be an underlying, contributing issue – I’m thinking violence, abuse, maybe downsizing, divorce – yes, there are those things, but if one cannot get up, get out, and change their circumstances, then they are their own problem, not mine. I care for people, however, I am not willing to risk my peace and sanity to fall into their drama. I’m a no-drama llama mama! LOL

I will admit, I have been there – I am quite familiar with that mindset. I spent many years blaming others, my dad, my grandparents, my mother, and people around me, when, in fact, it was me. I was not taking responsibility for my actions. Mind you, no one, including me, understood my mental state, and now that I do, (somewhat), I can see that I was just a little girl with no direction. I got myself into some situations that no young girl should be in, but I was, (and still am, to some extent), very naïve and quick to trust people. Though I am still naïve, I take more time to think about what I am doing, the potential outcome, and how it may affect myself and/or others.

We are all going to die. That is our destiny – our journey. I can choose to make my journey positive or, I can choose to be miserable. Why would I choose the latter? Granted, I’m not dancing on a grassy mountaintop, but I do like to maintain a smile on my face. My life is my doing, and right now, I’m doing ok. If I fuck up, it is no one else’s responsibility, so, in the meantime, I will find my contentment in being happy.

It took me almost 50 years to figure out what I need and what kind of person I want to be. Though I have grown in so many ways, I know I have further to go. I keep ordering stuff from the A store. Most of it is necessary, some of it is impulse, and some is just me thinking it’s a good deal/gotta have it when in reality, I don’t need it. That is where I need serious improvement. Uuf.

That’s what life is all about, self-improvement…improving the self leads to improvements around the self and if I can improve life around me, well, isn’t that what life is all about? For me, the answer is yes.

Yea, I know, it’s been a while. I want to write, but, I think there is a component of avoidance. Both my counselor and intuitive have suggested, repeatedly, to write! It’s almost like a kid being told to clean their room, they will find the smallest of things to distract from the task, that eventually, they are told again, until they can no longer find the floor of the room. This is kind of what I am going through.

I want to write but procrastinate – did I mention I am really, REALLY good at procrastination? I am. As can be seen by the infrequency I write.

Things to remember why I write…for myself. Why? Because, I can write, write, write – doesn’t matter what I write, I am expressing my thoughts.

A great quote, “I have no power, yet, I am filled with opinions.” Fran Lebowitz. I love that quote. I am still trying to get over the ‘no power’. It’s true, very few of us have power, though many of us believe we do have power. I do not have the power to make anyone read my stuff and like it. I have no power to change another’s view of their life. I like to think I have the power to change the world, but, the truth is, I don’t. Besides, what power I have, or think I have, affects only me. And, even then, how much power do I have.

Well, I have the power to control what, and how much I eat. I control when I take a shower. When I go to bed…well, lets be real, if I’m tired, my body will sleep when it chooses, like falling asleep on the couch. 😉 However, I do not necessarily have control over when I have to go to the bathroom (doesn’t matter which). I do not have control over my hair turning grey, or my skin getting thinner…or wrinkly! I do have control over how long my nails are – I can trim them, but, I cannot stop them from growing.

Just like time, control is an illusion created by humans to control humans.

Reality, there is no time to control nor a way to control time … so is the nature of things.

So, I’ve spent most of my adult life thinking I am crazy. Not psycho, just a little crazy. This involves a myriad of feelings.

None of those existential feelings, like what is my purpose on this planet? No – more like, why I don’t fit in? Why do people think I’m rude? Why don’t I express emotions? Why do I feel so disconnected to others? Why can’t I fall in love? Why was I such a nut job of a mother? Why am I so content being alone? Most times, I don’t have anything interesting to say, or if I do, it is usually some useless trivia that I find fascinating, (as the listener’s eyes glaze over). I never, and still don’t, feel ‘grown up’… things along those lines.

Turns out, there is a reason for those thoughts and behaviours. Between my counseling, taking a variety of tests and seeking input from my family, the conclusion became obvious…I am an Aspergian. An Aspie. One who has Asperger’s.

Asperger’s, in much of the readings I have come across, is described as high functioning autism. Many with Asperger’s are often intelligent, focused, and may show exceptional verbal skills. “Adults with AS may have typical to strong verbal but have below-average nonverbal skills. Adults with AS may not pick up on nonverbal cues from others, such as hand gestures, facial expressions, or body language.” Healthline.com 2019. They also tend to think differently, PsychologyToday.com states, “Apparently, people with more autistic traits, when asked to name as many uses as they can for a common object such as a paper clip, come up with fewer suggestions, but the suggestions they offer are more unusual than those of their neurotypical counterparts. They exhibit more “divergent thinking.” For me, if someone explains a process I don’t understand, I create an analogy, and tell it back in my own words, (which often baffles some), then I get it. I do it all the time.

Autism wasn’t something discussed when I was a child, (especially in my family), so it went undiagnosed. Instead, I was ADHD, and, as I got older, bipolar and suffering from depression. I’d been prescribed various antidepressants, which did little, and, sometimes made things worse. It should be noted that, ADHD and bipolar are not uncommon for one with Asperger’s.

The thing is, I am ok with it. It validates my thoughts and feelings. And, I cannot express how good that feels. My dad said there’s nothing ‘wrong’ (as I described to him) with me, I’m just kind of ‘special’. Even that makes me feel better. It just explains so much. My youngest son oftens comments that I am rude when ordering in a restaurant, but, I see myself as being polite. Oddly enough, the question, “Some people say I am being rude, even though I think I am being polite” is asked in autism assessments…how funny is that!?

I want to share this with my kids so they understand that, my behaviour isn’t something I have total control of. I want them to know, that because it was never identified, or handled appropriately, I have spent a lifetime, unwittingly, creating coping mechanisms to deal with my mental state, some of which have been very self destructive, (the rate of suicide is three times higher among people with autism). My whole life I’ve listened to my parents, family and friends, tell me what not to say, as my mom has said, “as matter of fact, just don’t say anything”. I feel my kids, though I know they love me, are sometimes embarrassed by things I say or do. The thing is, I have so much to say – it just doesn’t always come out in a manner considered socially acceptable.

These days, those that know me well, accept me for who I am. I am kind, witty, and sometimes goofy, but no one discourages me from speaking. Of course, they may be nervous wondering what I might say, but, they know I mean no malintent.

There’s something to be said about being oneself, and that is a great gift…I am myself. It’s ok to be me. If asked what kind of person I am, friends would call me quirky, my kids call me Dory. In my mind, quirky and Dory, are good. I love that. I am good. I may be different, but I am good. Though I lack the skill to fully reciprocate emotionally, I know I am loved. That makes me happy. I am, and always have been, mentally/socially younger than my peers, and never understood why. Now I know. I will be forever young.

…What is the difference between a minotaur and a centaur?

A minotaur is part man, part bull. In newer representations, the minotaur is shown as having a man’s body from neck to knees, with the head and feet of a bull. Original Greek images show him as having the body of a man and the head of a bull.

A centaur is part man, part horse. In representations, the centaur is shown as having a horse’s four legs and body, the neck and head are replaced with the torso and head of a man.

Though both warriors and knowledgeable, I believe the centaur is more accepted by humans for having the human face, whereas minotaur, with the face and horns of a bull, lacks that familiarity, hence, humans see it as evil, animalistic and lacking in intelligence.

Yes, I know both the centaur and the minotaur and Greek mythological creatures. LOL

I woke this morn feeling quite exhausted, and my damn cat would not let me sleep in! I’ve decided to wake my cat every time he’s napping. Yes, he drives me nuts but I know I’d be worse without him. Damn cat.

Now, I don’t watch the news – at all. As a result, I do not know what is going on. Is that good? Bad? I don’t know. Just the little I hear from friends, facepalm (FB) or the front page, stresses me out! I can’t even wrap my head around the thought that people want that constant barrage of information – full of half facts and no truths. It’s no wonder why bullets have sold out.

In the age of a pandemic (wtf), it’s chaos. Really. Chaos. No one really knows what is going on, and nobody appears to have any concrete facts. So, just tell everyone to stay home – yea, that’s a good idea. In the meantime, guns are going off in every city/town around the country and domestic violence has increased to global concern, “The United Nations called on Sunday for urgent action to combat the worldwide surge in domestic violence. “I urge all governments to put women’s safety first as they respond to the pandemic,” Secretary General António Guterres wrote on Twitter.”, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/06/world/coronavirus-domestic-violence.html. I think of all those school children that go to school just to seek sanctuary. Adults that found safety at work, on the job. Again, I can’t imagine – and it is likely compounded for the simple fact that everyone has to stay home – with a beer, because booze always helps. Ironically, they cannot close the liquor stores in fear of more violence and gunshot.

Suicide seems to be on the rise, “Experts caution there is no single cause of suicide. But getting laid off, losing a safe place to live and taking on new family responsibilities are the kinds of adversity that can elevate suicide risk.”, https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/03/23/coronavirus-pandemic-isolation-fear-job-loss-triggers-suicide/2871949001/. I am so fucking tired of facepalm, mainly due all the bullshit, but I stay on to keep in touch with my friends and family…and, they can see how I’m doing. I’m fine, by the way.

So, the government is giving people money to get through this chaos – $1,200 at a time. Hmm, thinking out loud….give money to a society addicted to shopping? These are some of the same people buying $75 worth of soda pop, with food stamps! The priorities in this country are so skewed, it’s unfathomable. The football player, who makes millions, gets a dui and a slap on the wrist – but they are still playing and people are paying to see him. Or, maybe the senator who has been in office decades, has his ass wiped by lobbyists, and, oh, he’s a pediphile…but they keep voting him back into office. Yet we vilify teachers, deny funding for schools and infrastructure, like a new fire house and then, to add insult to injury, we pay them scraps. They are the backbone of a society! Thing is – people are ok with this. Did I mention the US Government is also paying pastor salaries with the stimulus package??? This is (sadly) America.

America – a country of citizens who are easily distracted – did someone say, “Game of Thrones”? No? “Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness” or “Antique Roadshow”…and what is it about the Kardashians? You know, I have never seen an episode of this program, but I know it is useless, nonsensical drivel designed to entertain the superficial masses and sell more crap to a consumer driven society.

But wait, don’t forget about sports. There’s football, American and European, baseball, golf…the list just goes on. And all the fucking commercials. You do realize that the commercials pay for the programs because they know we will pay them by purchasing their products….take it another step further – you’re paying for cable!!! I had no idea that some people were paying upwards to $200 a month…just for tv! Not to mention, most of the products they are selling are killing us with poisons, hormones, antibiotics – no wonder the human race is becoming antibiotic resistant, and the health statistics continue to tank on American health. Duh. Have a Mt. Dew with your Cap’n Crunch…at least we are sufficiently funding the medical and pharmaceutical industries.

All of this is external noise distracts from the heart of everything – ourselves, our country, our time, each other. We’re always in a rush – to get to work, the gym, hair appointment – always in a rush..and why?? So we can watch football, the biggest loser, NEWS! Funny thing in all our rushing, we don’t have time for the kids (daycare), we don’t have time for a parents/elders (daycare), we don’t have time for our partners, whom we recompense with tickets, jewelry, other material goods.

Then I find out they are making plans to mine the Moon and create a colony!!?? What the fuck?? We have become such a disposable society that we are trashing our own planet, and now the Moon. Why? FOR PROFIT.

My apologies if this comes across a bit ranty or discombobulated, but that is my momentary mood.

So, I sit here in my little bubble making masks wishing you a postive day. Bee kind to each other and protect those who need it. Remember, like it or not, we’re all in this together. Now on to Toy Story 3.

I’m back – finally – with no excuses. Well, it’s my page and I want excuses…I haven’t had time – that’s bs; I have nothing to say – that’s bs; I don’t stay on top of things out of fear of failure – maybe. But what am I going to fail at? That is hard to say since I’ve never finished anything of any real importance.

It is true…from learning a new language, instrument, homework to being a good mother. I am a good mother but only after years of ups and downs and even then, I left my kids in 2014, when I moved to Florida. I think that is where I am at.

I am at a point that I sometimes feel guilty about leaving my kids. However, I did touch base with my kids over this past [political] holiday. The youngest was camping with friends. The other two were hanging together at the house with my new grandbaby. As I reflect on this, my mind is telling me, ‘They are fine. They have their own lives. My kids are ok.’ And, it’s true, they are fine but my heart say they still need me. And I don’t mean need me like I have to be there, but need me just knowing I am here and will be here as long as I can, and hopefully that will be a long while. Wait, wasn’t I typing about not completing anything, back to that…

So, can’t finish anything, really? Hopefully…more later.

A couple weeks ago I missed a step, fell down and skinned both knees. Within a week or so, I developed scabs – the body’s bandage – and as my hand swept across my healing wounds, in an instant I was transported to my childhood…a kid with skinned knees! Remember?!

So many times I have fallen only to get up and take on the next challenge. Lesson learned – watch my step and caution against misguidance that may trip me up.

No matter where the pain strikes, be it the knee, the head … the heart, like everything else, it may leave a scar but, will always heal. ❤